50 SHADES OF GREY

50 Shades, is there are shittier movie out in 2015?  I fail to see how a movie could be worse, but bring on the contenders!  I am up to the challenge.

Over the last 2 years, 50 Shades has popped up at various conversations with my friends.  Some suggesting I should read it because “It’s so you”.  I was like, “Huh? This romance novel is about a guy in grey suits who goes around murdering 50 women?”  Crime being my current genre, it turns out, I was a little wrong.  So, when one friend deemed it necessary to enlighten me about the specifics of the book, I shrugged and moved on.  BDSM, how is this me?  What?  Just because I use ties for non-traditional purposes and find the fifth season of Sex in the City to be nothing out of the ordinary, doesn’t mean I want to be dominated and whipped.  Geez, big fat leap there.

With the announcement of the movie, my girlfriends got excited.  OK, sure, I’ll go see it.  A girl’s night out, we’ll go watch some romantic movie about a girl who falls in love with a rich playboy who actually has a soul and a penance for bondage, humiliation and pain.  Why not, sounds like a night with a few cocktails and perhaps a little something something for the boyfriend afterwards?  I will go with an open mind.

I read about the buzz and disappointment of movie goers and reviewers, and decide to go in there with the lowest expectations possible.  This movie was going to suck ass.  I was psyching myself for its badassness by watching bad Lifetime movies on YouTube.  You know the type, where essentially the movies are worse versions of Mills And Boon books.  Expectations were low and my excitement, genuinely high.  I was going to have a good time, and I was going there for the sex scenes.

Then the movie starts.  I wondered why on earth would a 21 year old wear a stupid floral shirt to meet anyone.  I look back on all the geeks, nerds, social misfits I’ve ever encountered and try to pull up an image of a more hideous floral shirt, and I just couldn’t.  No young adult would wear that ridiculous floral shirt, not unless their grandmother gave it to them as a hand-me-down, and they were wearing it ironically.  H.I.D.E.O.U.S, say it with me now, Hideous!

I take note of the dialogue, what the hell was wrong with Christian Grey?  No man speaks like that.  What kind of man speaks like that?  Have any of you ever encountered a man who would utter those words in those situations?  Seriously, I’ve read better dialogue in bad Mills and Boon books.  What the hell is wrong with this guy?  Oh wait, he’s fictional, and his dialogue is dictated by a woman.  A woman who obviously has never encountered a man who isn’t pathetic and crying at the first sight of boobs.

My anger at the writing escalates, I am not going to blame the actor here, no-one can make those lines work.  No-one!  George Clooney couldn’t make those lines work.  They were just pathetic.  Why on earth didn’t a man pipe up and say “Nobody with a penis would say that crap.  Have you met a red blooded man who has a functioning penis?”

There’s the odd moment of actual slightly steamy tension, but, really, we saw it in the trailer.  There is no real passion between these two on screen.  The sex is boring and well, slightly clinical.  Again, I wonder whether or not this is true to the book, because if it is, I don’t think she’s had sex either.  I am told by my friend that the dialogue is true to the book, the sex, isn’t quite as kinky as is in the book.

Anyway, blah blah blah, things happens in the movie and it just bores me. Dakota Johnson does a pretty decent job of being the virginal then experienced sex kitten who doubles as a librarian impersonator.  Jamie Dornan just can’t make Grey come to life in any way shape or form.  I guess when you’re portraying a man who is in control all the time, you keep your emotions to yourself and are basically monotone.  In that sense, he did a brilliant job?

After the movie, I was quick to declare that it sucked majorly, if only the sex scenes did too.  We had hoped that the erotica would at least match that in The Colour of Night, but oh boy, did it fail to even come close.

For all the kinkiness that it had promised, this movie lacked in delivery. I hadn’t expected much by way of dialogue and plot development, after all, I was expecting a bad romance novel written by a 16 year old girl (I have no idea who wrote it and just don’t care to google for the information either), but I was expecting better sex scenes and decent erotica, especially after a woman got arrested for masturbating to the movie in Mexico.  But alas, it failed to deliver there too.

But there was plenty of lip biting.  Did I miss the memo on how this is sexy?  I now expect to see a sea of 20 somethings out at bars constantly biting their lips whenever they try to get a man’s attention.  Hair flips are sooooo 1990.

For those of you who are claiming domestic abuse, I think not.  He asked her and she said yes, she entered knowing full well what it was he wanted.  Anastasia was not blindfolded, taken to the red room and beaten by a giant dildo, she consented.  If anything, the girl’s an idiot for not running for the hills when he showed her what he wanted to use on her.  As for Grey, I hate that he’s a victim of his childhood, weak, oh so weak of the writer.  It’s just plain ignorance and makes me conclude that she’s a terrible writer who’s made millions.

Honestly, I feel as though this movie is for bored housewives and young women who’ve never had a boyfriend before.  Women who romanticise about being able to change a man, women, who wish they were The One for some crazy rich, powerful, gorgeously hunky, bad boy out there.  Pft… get a reality check ladies.

For all you bored housewives who are now up for kinky sex, give it a go with your husband, spice up your marriage and explore.  Start out small, don’t order that giant studded paddle.  Chances are, you’re not going to like it, reality check ladies, only 5% of the population are into BDSM.  That said, a larger portion are into the occasional spanking and light bondage.  Basic Instincts taught us that in the 90s and we continue to use it.  Go Basic Instincts, now, that’s a good erotic movie that helped spice up people’s sex lives.

Sadly for me, there’s going to a sequel to this movie, and even sadder still, I will go watch it again with my girlfriend who enjoyed the movie.  I wonder if I can just be busy washing my hair that night.

Rating: 2/10, the suits were nice?  This crap show was 50 shades of pooh brown.

See it again: No, no, no!  You would really have to pay me a lot of money to see this again.

Worth my time: Yes and no, yes, so I could rant about how bad it is, and no, because it was a complete waste of my time and has added absolutely nothing to my life.  I take that back, it may have decreased my sex drive and dropped my IQ by a couple of points.

Take my mother: Hell no, on so many levels it’s a no.  Mainly because it’s bad softcore porn.

Talking points: The incredibly bad dialogue, Dakota Johnson’s got a pretty decent body.  Jamie Dornan was so bad, but I don’t think it’s his acting, it’s the script.  I don’t think the author actually ever met a real man to observe how one would actually speak.

Annoyance factor: 9/10, it would have been a lot higher if it wasn’t for the cool suits, toys (cars, planes and awesome penthouse, not the red room stuff) and piano.