https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rp5iLE2JvvM
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy… executives must have been sitting around their boardroom, thinking about how Netflix made a really shitty movie (DareDevil) into a pretty well received TV series. And thought to themselves, as they got drunk, “Yo man, what other shitty movie based on a series of novels, can we turn into a series?” And someone came up with The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.
You remember that preteen movie, which was touted to be the next Twilight. It had everything you could possibly want for the teenage/young adult market. It’s got magic, vampires (so hot right now… if right now is 2009), girl who discovers she’s super natural and awesome, invisible mysterious world, league of assassins. You know, everything you can possibly throw in the plot line, it’s there. That includes incest. So yep, it was a big fat mess and giant waste of time and money.
The City of Bones was so bad, that I have it burnt into my memory as the worst movie I had ever watched. And I watched every single Twilight movie. Don’t get me wrong, there are worse movies out there, they just didn’t take themselves so seriously. City of Bones took itself way too seriously and tried so hard that it just failed at every turn. It was suppose to be smart, and yet, the plotline and actions of its characters were just plain old stupidity at its best.
And now, we have this serial reboot. A series which no-one wanted, with a cast full of unknowns, and weapons which just look like toy swords you buy from The Reject Shop for Halloween. Yay! Fun!
Here’s a rule of thumb, when you’re trying to make a shitty movie into a good TV series, don’t follow the same plot line! Here’s a thought, why not change it a bit so that it turns out to not be so unbelievable. What did you do Mr/Ms Producer? Did you just go to the original screenwriter and say, “Yo bruh, I want you to turn your shitty ass movie into like 6 episodes for us. Don’t bother changing it too much, cause like, your movie totally rocks. Everyone on Rotten Tomatoes is wrong.”? I have to question your taste and sanity here.
As it turns out, the first two episodes really did look an awful lot like the beginning of the movie, just drawn out even more. Yay! More crap to watch and waste my time on. So much fun to be had right now, I wish I had some math homework to do instead.
The list of what’s wrong with the series is long, really really really really long. Maybe I’m not its audience, after all, I have an IQ above 80. Don’t get me wrong, I love basic entertainment and enjoy it when I’m taken a ride by studios and get to watch something mind numbing. But, when a show’s tone should reflect what it’s trying to achieve and portray.
Shadow Hunters again, takes itself seriously and is trying to be intelligent entertainment. It’s added in the funny-nerd best friend, because well, clearly, light entertainment is required to lighten up the dark mood of this very epic series. Sadly, it comes across as nothing more than stupid young adult entertainment.
I am most likely too old for the crap that has been shown here, I feel that I would need to be about 6 to not be condescending towards this show’s IQ level. And perhaps 13 and have really bad taste, to appreciate how “hot” the blond dude is. Stop trying to cram it down my throat that he’s hot, I have eyes, and he’s clearly no Chris Pine. Let’s move on from that.
I cannot stop myself from hating this series from the get go. A mother who has been wiping her daughter’s memory in order to protect her from the demons and other Shadowhunters who are insanely dangerous, knows full well that on her 18th birthday, the spell to make her appear human will wear off, still refuses to prepare her for the inevitable. So yeah, that’s great parenting from someone who’s suppose to be a kickass super smart individual.
Oh, she totally knows that she has to tell our hero, Clary of this fact, but hey, when better than to tell her that she’s going to be able to see demons and have them attacking her, than on the day that she’ll be actually able to see them. And no, why teach her to fight and hunt, because, well, it makes for a better storyline if she knows nothing. Hey, what mother would want to prepare her daughter for a dangerous world where things/people are trying to kill her, when she can wrap her up in cotton wool instead? Oh Jocelyn Fray, you’re such a well thought out character. So awesome, let me give you an award.
So, every cliché is brought out for good measure. Hot blond chick will definitely make it easier to infiltrate a murdering ring. Because well, she’s hot and the baddies won’t be able to look beyond how hot she is.
Girls can totally run in 6 inch hells, and totally fight in them as well. Because you know, that’s how we dress in self defence classes. I know I do, I’m always in my stiletto boots whenever I’m doing a roundhouse.
Clary can only wear the super skanky outfits from Isabelle’s skanky wardrobe, not from any of the other females around. Oh no, that’s not possible. And it’s not possible for her to get some of her own clothes either, that’s just silly. What kind of an idiot would go out and get her some clothes? Please… that’s such a waste of the two days where she’s unconscious and recovering.
Argh! The two episodes which may have accidentally been released are so shit. It made me want to yell at myself for having this pleasure of writing about it.
The young actors for this series do an OK job. They neither annoy me or make me want to see them go on to do something more worthwhile of my time. Two episodes in, and what I’ve learnt is that every man has a six pack. It’s a given. When the nerdy bestfriend has a six pack, it’s just stock standard in the male form. I would roll my eyes, but you know, TV land. Suspension of disbelief and all that bullshit.
Netflix, you’ve wasted your money on this series. You should have actually watched the movie whilst you were sober, noted what was wrong with it, discussed it with your writers and come up with a better script/plot.
You’ve insulted my intelligence so much with this garbage, it’s going to make it hard for me to trust you on any of your reboots again. Until Full House and Gilmore Girls come along! Oh yeah!!! I can’t wait to relieve my childhood!
Rating: 1/10, some of the people are good looking. The dancing Asian dude from Glee is in it, all too briefly, but he totally looks cool. Other than that, read the above, the show stinks.
See it again: Hell no! Everything about this series is stupid. The worst part is that it follows the movie so much. Oh, sure, they changed it so that the psychic is actually a warlock and helps Clary and her mother, but come on… change something that doesn’t make this whole thing shit. Like… maybe Jocelyn starts teaching Clary when she’s 17 and prepares her for the world. Just a thought. She can still not have her early childhood memories, and Clary still needs to go to The City of Bones, but give her something so that she’s not an annoying pathetic girl.
Worth my time: Give me back my time biatch! I think that would be pretty obvious.
Tell my mother: Hell to the NO, it’s so bad that she would box my ears for wasting her time. She needs to water her plants and watch grass grow.
Talking points: So many, oh so many, and it’s all got to do with how bad the first two episodes are. No-one wants to listen to an angry woman bitch and moan. So… I’ll leave it at that.
Annoyance factor: 10/10, if you haven’t figured that out yet, I really need to go work on my writing and stop being sarcastic. Maybe use angry font?
Ranter & Banter 