Work.. the not so fun part of life. It’s a necessity to ones survival and directly impacts the quality of living. Without work we would all look like Spartans and will have to dig holes every time we need to do a number 2.
Not such a bad way to live if you ask me. I’m not a fan of the 8 hour day, to only have to do cross fit in a tight space and go on a torturous paleo diet. Do you? Is this your idea of fun? But sadly, this is my life, our life to some description.
Fortunately, I am considered to be a jack of all trades at work. My job title has more ‘/’ than I care to mention, making me the go to guy for a variety of things. My skill set has been utilised to its full potential now, according to my manager. Or so she thinks. I basically get away with doing nothing at work on most days and close to zero work on those other days. Here’s how to do nothing at work.
1. Make sure your team likes you enough to trust you and never suspect you as the one who does nothing. In order to do this, when you produce work, make sure that it is better calibre than what anyone else is able to produce.
2. Move to a spot where no one can see your screen, say it’s good feng shui and it’s a space with more positive energy and that your atheist belief requires you to be there because it’s your right. In truth, these desk spaces are rare to come across.
3. Never tell anyone you have nothing to do, as far as they’re concerned you are always flat out busy. Being not so busy means you have spare time and spare time is a luxury that only upper management who are above your pay grade have. They already are a master jedi of doing nothing.
3. Your manager is your best friend at work, and you must manage their expectations. They are always right even when there are no words that can explain how so universally wrong they are. Lets face it, some managers slept their way to the top, while other managers have been there so long they just came into being.
4. Always blame mistakes on someone else and when that doesn’t work make them sound inferior, and if this doesn’t work because the person is so thick even a high velocity projectile wouldn’t penetrate their thick skull, blame it on I.T. Everyone hates I.T unless you work in I.T… then go back to blaming someone else. Just remember it’s never your fault. OK, this might be a bit of a dip-shit move, so, use it sparingly. Because no-one likes the person who always makes excuses.
5. Always look busy on your computer, whether you are on Facebook or planning your next holiday, never look happy. The trick is to practice your concentration face and learn how to smile on the inside. There’s no such thing as a happy worker, only hard working people type continuously on their keyboard and look like they’re fighting a war with cancer. Use headphones but do not dance, I repeat DO NOT DANCE, this will further enhance the look of concentration. And if you can, have a complicated spreadsheet open at all times, people always get turned off when they see a spreadsheet with way too many cells.
But if you’ve got yourself a manager who is competent, get a new job. Alternatively, do your job. Whichever works best for you.
Ranter & Banter 