Boy meets girl, boy proposes to girl, girl says yes…
It’s a familiar scenario that we see it constantly. Sadly, we’re not always thrilled that a wedding in imminent. Have you seen the movie “I give it a year”? No, let me set the scene, they’re at the reception, and the bride and groom profess their love for each other, and the guests make comments as to how long they think the marriage will last. With one saying, “I give it a year”.
We’ve been there, we’ve done it. Maybe not quite out loud, just quietly behind their back somewhere. So, why is it that when it’s obviously a big fat mistake that no-one tells either party that they’re making a mistake?
The answer is simple, the messenger is shot and quite frankly, they don’t care enough about you.
In truth, no-one wants to hear you think that their partner, the person that they think is their soulmate, is not right for them. It’s insulting, it’s saying that they don’t have any sense or judgement of their own. Friendships are destroyed, family feuds can start when someone is felt as though they must choose between their love and their family and friends. It’s most like the love that will win.
So, as bystanders, we just wait for the inevitable awakening, and hope that they realise it before they have kids. We slowly distance ourselves from the undesirable coupling. If you’re wondering why your friends aren’t asking you out as a couple, it’s because they don’t want to. If you’re organising things and the other people are conveniently always busy, they’re avoiding you. It’s not them, it’s you.
Inevitably, when the relationship dissolves and turns to the most hostile of asset acquisition, you’re asked to put your two cents in. And most of us will not be able to hold our tongues and say, “We didn’t think that the two of you were well suited.” At which point, the person asks you why you didn’t warn them in the first place. Like they would have listened.
In truth, we’re all adults. And all things being equal, you will always think that you’re completely and irrevocably in love with your soulmate. We love the idea of love, and will delude ourselves into thinking that we’re in love, because that’s what society tells us. We’re on a quest to find that one person who will say “you complete me”, “you’re everything I’ve always wanted and didn’t know”, “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a man, asking him to love her”. OK, so, the second quote is mine, but you get the gist.
This is why people don’t interfere in a mistake, unless it’s the parents. The rest of us will stay right out of it, and just watch the train wreck unfold over time. And basically say “I knew it” to our friends later, at which point, they’re annoyed that we hadn’t warned them. There’s no warning someone when they’re about to get married, unless the partner has done something wrong. You cannot jump in and say “I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. Your future wife is a total B festival unto herself.” You can’t say that, you just can’t. Nor can you say, “Your future husband gives me the creeps, I think he’s super sleazy and you should watch your back.” Or can you?
I have thought about this long and hard, I myself would like to tell someone I dearly love that they’re making a horrible mistake with their partner choice. I have concluded that I wouldn’t want to hear it from anyone I know about my partner. I am big enough and bad enough to make my own mistake, and so are they. My love life is my mistake to make (unless they’re a criminal, an addict, abusive, etc, then warn away) and learn from. My opinion shouldn’t matter at all to their relationship, and I shouldn’t meddle with its potential.
The only thing I can do and control is my interaction with them as a couple. I can choose to write them out of my life as a couple and see my friend on their own. Hard as that may be, but that is all that is in my control.
What do you think? Should we say something when we think that our family/friend is making a huge mistake?
Ranter & Banter 