THE MARTIAN: Boring

Matt Damon has returned in a big way with The Martian.  He’s taken what was given to him and he ran with it.  Well, kinda.

This is a movie of survival, American ingenuity and the never say die spirit that makes Americans the best people in the world.  Eye roll.

It’s a spectacle, that’s for sure.  But at the end of the day, it’s actually quite a dull movie.  Matt Damon does a great job as the stranded botanist Mart Watney.  He’s very likeable and you root for his survival.

For me, I enjoyed the movie immensely whilst I watched it, and I rooted for NASA to bring Damon home.  And the string of cool supporting cast seemed more like a late show guest list than an ensemble cast.  It was cool to see, but, you just wished that they had something more to offer than just 5 minutes of their time.

The math was all off, and there were so many factors which I want to debate as an intelligent person when it comes to the logistics and their calculation of the food rations.  Especially when he’s able to grow his own food (initially) and you can always build another food delivery ship.  It takes 6-9 months to build it, so, build it again, and wait for the trajectory to work.  There’s a thought.  Build another one!

Normally, I don’t question the logic behind a movie too much, but, when the movie is trying so hard to be super intelligent and above us, I must question their logic in turn.  But, I’ll just wait for CinemaSins to point out when the movie is released on DVD.

Here’s the gist of the movie, spoiler alert, ah drrr:

• Manned mission to Mars. Crazy pebble rain makes them abandon their mission early, because, well, they have to.  You can’t stay around when there’s a pebble storm, which is quite frequent.
• Matt Damon’s a little annoying but super lovable, he’s thought to be dead, but is alive and manages to make it back to camp just in time to save himself.
• People on Earth are bummed that an astronaut is dead on Mars, but that’s just bad publicity, and well, we must think of the future missions, how do we sell a dead dude on Mars to the public?
• Matt Damon does the math, and realises that he doesn’t have enough food to last him to the time when the next manned mission are to arrive. Realises that he must somehow get to the other landing site.  He basically figures out a way to grow food on Mars, and figures out a way to engineer the rover that he’s got to travel further.
• NASA notices that the camp site differs and that might mean that Damon’s alive, maybe? Let’s not jump to conclusions just yet, because well, things move on their own all the time on a planet with no life.
• They learn to make contact with the help of an old abandoned rover. And figure out how to make current rove into a texting machine.

I’m bored just thinking about it.  And I can’t be bothered with the second half of the movie.  That’s how enthusiastic I am about this movie.

Maybe The Martian isn’t as interesting as I thought it was?  It’s long, it’s about a dude alone on a planet, and his old crew having to come back and save him, directly disobeying NASA’s orders.  Ooooo… hardcore.

This is like Apollo 13 and Castaway combined, with a bit of Intersteller there to boot, but without it being as much fun, and has more swearing (which I appreciated).  Damon doesn’t have the physical transformation that Hanks managed to achieve, thanks to the spacesuits and the next Bourne movie coming our way.

This movie does not stand the test of reflection, it’s a spectacle that you are invested in when you’re watching it, but soon thereafter, it was barely a blip in your day.

Rating: 6/10, it’s enjoyable whilst you’re there, but is pretty forgettable once you’re done.

See it again: No, it’s long and it would just bore the hell out of me.  I don’t like Matt Damon that much.

Worth my time: Maybe, maybe not.  I am unsure at this stage.

Take my mother: no, she’ll just ask me annoying questions about space travel and why there isn’t a beam.

Talking points: How to ration food, how tarp is so versatile, and how you should always build using plastic where you can puncture holes in it.

Annoyance factor: 6/10, there were so many little things about this movie which just p*sses me off.  NASA dudes, crazy geniuses, PR machines, tarp, why would you only be texting your fellow NASA people and not your family and friends?  Wouldn’t you want a direct text chatroom with your family and friends if you were stranded alone on Mars?