They say that 15-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. And more than 80% of these miscarriages will occur within the first trimester (3 months). This is the silent sorrow which effects so many individuals and couples, and yet, it is something that we rarely talk about.
For whatever reason, couples mourn the loss of their child quietly and alone. They are often advised “You’re young, you can try again and have another baby.” And that doesn’t help anyone, no matter how true it is. At that point of loss, all you want to do is grieve for the child that would have been, should have been yours.
I’ve had quite a few friends go through miscarriages, and the response is always the same, “I don’t want another baby, I want the one I’ve lost.” But somehow, they feel they’re unable to voice that. Quietly, these women, and men, have to move on with their lives, as though nothing has happened. Put on a brave face and face the world.
There is a reason why doctors advise you to not tell people you’re expecting a child until the first trimester has passed. Most expectant parents, especially first timers, are so eager to tell their family and friends, they find it hard to keep a straight face. They are so overjoyed with the reality of shortly becoming parents, they’re on top of the world. And then, to lose it, to have it ripped from you, it is just heart wrenching.
A love a parent has for their child is beyond any other kind of love. The only love which surpasses that, is the love a grandparent has for their grandchild.
So, to have this being which you so want and love taken from you, just as you’re planning your future together, it is devastating. And yet, we’re not encouraged to talk about it as women. We’re forced to keep it to ourselves, feeling as though society will judge us. But mostly, knowing that no-one will be able to provide us with the solace that we so need. Society almost tells us that we have our partner and that’s the person who will understand and we should turn to them in this time of need. In truth, you’re two grieving individuals, you both need someone else to be strong for you.
I have tried to be that solace for a few of my friends. I heard their pain, saw their sorrow, but could only feel a fraction of their loss. We would talk, cry and get angry over what could have been.
When one friend is willing to open up about it, so many more women will come out and say casually that they too had a miscarriage. As though it is the most normal thing in the world. And I guess, with the statistics being what they are, it kind of is. It is with these open conversations that the mourner is able to come to grips with what has happened faster. Knowing that they’re not alone. In a sea of pregnant women and mothers, it I comforting to know that they too have had gone through the struggle of suffering a miscarriage and are OK now. Sometimes, just knowing that you will be OK is enough to get you through.
Experts claim that miscarriages is nature’s way of aborting a defective foetus. This is still no comfort to the woman who’s just lost her child. This coming from a doctor is both comforting and grating on your nerves, especially a male doctor. Because in your mind, your anger is ripe and this doesn’t help. But, when it comes from a woman who’s also had a miscarriage and now has moved on, it is comforting.
As a collective, in times of crisis, women must band together and openly have these discussions, no matter how unsavoury the topic. OK, you may be the only friend from your social group to ever get pregnant, but you have older women friends, family members, talk to them. And more likely than not, your girlfriends who haven’t gone through it, will most likely be there to support you all the same. They will grieve with you, they will hold you and let you cry, and they will keep your secret for you. If they don’t, then dump them and get yourself new friends.
We are social creatures and have support networks, call on that network when you truly need it. Miscarriages are something which should not be suffered in silence. And you should not feel ashamed about it.
Ranter & Banter 