When I grow up, I want to be a member of FIFA. I want to represent my country and collect as much bribes as possible and live large. Either that, or go be an official in a developing nation, that works too. But mostly, I want to be a FIFA official, and collect so much money that my puppy can have luxury penthouse apartments all over the world. Yay FIFA!
FIFA, the world’s most powerful sporting body, and richest, has made the news recently for all the wrong reasons. And as a “friend” has pointed out, I have painted this fine group with a single prejudicial brush. Shame on me.
Meh. Whatever dude, they’re (the ones who have and will be caught – just to cover my ass) a bunch of corrupt a’holes, who deserve to be investigated. And it’s all falling apart very quickly since May 2015.
Back in 2014, John Oliver did a piece regarding how potentially corrupt FIFA is. And again, in the beginning of May 2015, regarding how crazy it is that Sepp Blatter is running for his 5th term as President of FIFA, with one opponent. Which is much better than the 4th term election, where he ran unopposed. Like, hello? Stick some random in there just for the sake of looking like you’re an official organization and not a corrupt one. So, his manifesto (basically what you offer and will bring to the table) is this:
“My manifesto is the work I have done the last years in FIFA. I am now 40 years in FIFA and I am 17 years president of FIFA, this is my manifesto.”
Ahh…. You’re so awesome. You made Brazil build giant football stadiums in random rural towns which will never be used for anything again. You made women play on astroturf, because hey, screw equality. Chicks aren’t people anyway, or athletes, they’ll just ruin the grass. And if you’re not quite outraged, have you seen what plastic grass does to your legs as you slide on it? Get a clue man. The dickhead needs to get on that turf and slide around. No way would men have put up with that, nor their fans. But sadly, the women’s FIFA world cup will be played on astroturf. Why didn’t they just make the women wear high heels and a pushup bra? That would have been less offensive and more straight to the point. Women belong in the kitchen, if you come out of it, you will pay dearly and suffer the consequences.
And now, with Qatar for 2020, it’s going to be awesome! If you haven’t realized that I’m ranting and writing with so much acidic spite, then, reread it with as more venom please. Crazy hot Qatar. Not only is the climate formidable, the world cup must also be played during the middle of the European season.
Look, I know nothing about football, it has taken me over 15 years of passively watching the sport to realise what off-side actually is, and the last world cup was the only one I was actually into. And again, I picked my teams based on a tried and true method. Who had the better funky hairstyle or shoes. It was simple. I did pretty well, thank you for asking.
Back to the point, I know nothing about football, but I know that this is detrimental to the season, and stuffs everything up for leagues and competitions all over. Not to mention sponsors. Sure, they’re a business, and have a tonne of money and really, there’s no need to get uppity on their behalf. But I’m annoyed for the fans, its disruptive, and come on! Who wants to go to Qatar! Think of the laws with which soccer hooligans will now have to behave under. There are going to be so many arrests, people are going to be jailed for years.
Days before the 2015 Presidential elections, nine FIFA’s officials were arrested, under an investigation from the FBI. And if you’re wondering why, it’s because a former FIFA executive, Chuck Blazer, was arrested in the US for tax evasion. Go the IRS! You got Al Capone and now, you’ve got FIFA.
Chuck Blazer was the one who bought a Trump tower penthouse for his cats. The investigation started in 2013, in true form, he rolled over on his mates, and now, they’re starting to go down. The ship is a sinking peeps, and it’s time to figure out your exit strategy.
So, with this happening, you’d think that the President who is up for reelection would be a little worried and that perhaps, the voters will no longer go his way. I know I did. And guess what, idiot me.
He won.
But good news for all of us, he’s also now resigned, and will do the gracious thing and overlook FIFA until the reelection and a new President takes over.
Yo j@ck#ss, thanks for the memories ya tw#t. Am I allowed to swear? Meh, up to the editor to cull there. (I’ve been censored.)
John Oliver, I absolutely love you and your research team. Clearly, the best investigative journalists in the world! Another win to you and yours.
Ranter & Banter 